If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
