dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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