i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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