Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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