Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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