I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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