Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
