why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
honey bunches of taint.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
