Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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