I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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