I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
