I accidentally burped into my bong.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
