I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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