yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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