She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
