So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
