Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize