you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
