Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
