I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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