I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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