Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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