so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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