I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
