Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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