please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
