i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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