i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
