She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
