I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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