She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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