All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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