honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
