he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
