one might say we're banned from that church
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
