Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
