if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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