Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
