Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
