I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
