I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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