my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
