I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
