I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
