this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
