So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
