I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
