Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
