It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
