not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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