I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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