We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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